Yesterday’s post was pretty heavy, huh?
Instead of continuing in the vein of hopelessness and writing an allegorical story about how screwed we all are, I am going to do the opposite and save the allegories for next week, when being dark is fun again.
Today’s post is doubly special because this will be in the format of a comedy sketch. It is based on a premise that a couple of my friends came up with a week or two ago. Since I am writing anyway, and I want to do something fun today specifically, I figured this is a good time to run with the idea and see where it goes. It’s still a little more derivative of The Ladies Man than I would like…but hey, it’s a first attempt, and making the first attempt is half the battle.
A soft, jazzy tune plays. Fade up on Rafe Chafeman, sitting on a black velvet chair in front of a black coffee table that holds an arrangement of white votive candles. He is well-groomed and wears an impeccably tailored black suit with a bright red shirt–the only color in view. The studio set is very sleek and modern, comprised of black or white set pieces without a lot of garish or flowery adornment. The light is very soft.
Rafe: Good evening and welcome to the Sexy Show, where we pay tribute to all things sexy. I’m you’re host Rafe Chafeman and we are broadcasting live from WKOC Studios in Pewaukee. On tonight’s show we will talk with the tantalizing tastemaker Taffy Germaine who will be showing us the secret behind her award-winning cherry pie. And a little later on, our tawdry man-about-town Benjamin “Toots” Malone will be dropping by to serenade us with that sweet, soulful sax of his. But before we get to all that sexiness, ladies and gentleman, it’s time to meet our Sexy Local Business Owner of the Week. He’s an industrial powerhouse, a devilishly sly businessman, and his favorite color is–(gestures to his own shirt) red. Please help me welcome the very sexy Mr. Bob Gunderson.
The soft jazz plays as we cut to a two-shot of Bob Gunderson sitting next to Rafe in a matching chair. Bob is in his late fifties or early sixties, dressed in jeans, a flannel shirt and a tattered army green jacket. On his head he wears a faded blue baseball cap in an attempt to hide his unkempt, wispy gray hair. He is holding a small piece of corrugated steel upright on his lap as an example of his work. He looks confused.
Rafe: Bob, thank you so much for coming. It is a pleasure to have you on the show.
Bob: Uh, well…the pleasure is mine…I guess.
Rafe: So Bob, you’re in the steel business, is that correct?
Bob: Yes sir, I am the owner-operator of Gunderson Corrugated Steel right here in Pewaukee.
Rafe: That sounds pretty sexy, Bob.
Bob: Well, I don’t uh—
Rafe: (gesturing towards Bob’s display item) So this is corrugated steel?
Bob: This is corrugated steel, yes indeed.
Rafe: It’s looks like it’s ribbed, doesn’t it?
Bob: Yes, that’s…that’s kind of what corrugated means, so…
Rafe: Is that for one’s pleasure?
Bob: Well, I think people enjoy it, sure.
Rafe: I bet they do.
Bob: But mostly it’s to increase it’s strength.
Rafe: Ah yes, that is important too. You wouldn’t it to break. That would be pretty irresponsible, wouldn’t you say?
Bob: Yeah…listen, I think I might be in the wrong place…
Rafe: So you’re a family man, Bob.
Bob: (confused) Uh…yes. I have a wife and two children.
Rafe: (to camera) Sexy! (to Bob) And how long have you been married?
Bob: Twenty-seven years.
Rafe: (to camera) Super sexy! (to Bob) Any advice for all the young bucks out there?
Bob: About what?
Rafe: Oh Bob! You do like playing coy don’t you?
Bob: Now look here. I don’t know much about being on television or anything, but the girl who called me on the phone said I was going to be on a news segment featuring local businesses.
Rafe: Well, you do own a business. And we are certainly “featuring” you, if you know what I mean.
Bob: I don’t. I have no idea what you mean. I’d like to speak with your producer. Right now.
Rafe: (frustrated, but calm) Fine. (screams towards offstage) Becky! Will you come up here please? Our guest would like a word with you. (to Bob) I have to be honest with you Bob—this is extremely not sexy.
Rafe pulls a magazine out from under the side cushion of his chair—we see it is something called HOTTTT! and features an image of an attractive couple in matching sweaters pouting at the camera while holding a Siamese cat. He opens to a marked page and begins to read.
Becky, a young woman in a fleece vest, jeans and headset arrives on set. She is staring intently at her watch. Bob stands to address her.
Bob: Are you the girl I talked to on the phone?
Bob: Well I have to tell you that I am outraged about this.
Bob: You misrepresented yourself, you’ve humiliated me on television and you’ve wasted my time.
Bob: This isn’t over, missy. Not by a long shot. I’ll be speaking to my lawyer in the morning, you can count on that.
Becky: And…we’re at thirty seconds. Rafe, wrap it up.
Rafe tosses the magazine behind him, composes himself and addresses the camera
Rafe: Oh, I’m afraid we are out of time. Thank you to the very sexy Bob Gunderson and his sexy, sexy steel. Thank you to the sexy and talented Becky, a pleasure as always. My apologies to Taffy and Toots, we will be catching up with you on the next sexy episode of The Sexy Show. Until then this is Rafe Chafeman saying, take your vitamins and wear your rubbers in the rain. Good night!
Rafe tries to shake Bob’s hand. Bob glowers back at him, then takes his steel and stomps offstage.
The soft jazz plays as the scene fades out.